'Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted' (Matthew 5:4).
If you haven't lost a loved one due to death, keep living honey it will eventually happen. It is the cycle of life. The bible tells us that we are born to die. In other words, this life is seasonal. I can talk in depth about grief because in the last 11 years, I have lost roughly 20 loved ones (this includes close family and friends). I must admit I am not the most emotional person, but grief has a way of breaking down the toughest people. I will tread lightly with this story because I am writing the full story in my book. In 2010, I lost 4 family members; three were due to disease and one was murdered. But the one death that was the hardest to cope was the death of my biological father. I won't go into our history. But, he wasn't apart of my life until my mid 20's. Even then our relationship was strained. Interesting enough, I got a call from a friend two days prior to his death. She and I were on the phone praying. After we finished praying, she stated 'God wants you to know that something will happen in two days, but you will get through it.' I didn't know what to make of this prophetic word, but I received it and continued on. It was early one Saturday morning (two days after that prophetic word), I was awaken out of my sleep with an urgency to check my facebook page. This was an unction of the Holy Spirit because I couldn't care less about checking facebook especially that early in the morning. I logged on to the site and had an inbox from a cousin on my father's side. She stated that my father had passed away suddenly. I was numb. Later that day she called me crying. I just let her cry and still didn't have much of a reaction. I called my mother and she sent her condolences (She left my father when I was 4 months old). I was still numb. I called my siblings and they seemed to have the same reaction. No one cried. It was so weird. I guess it stemmed from the fact that none of us had a real 'father to child' relationship with our dad.
The funeral was planned by his sisters. They sent his body back to be buried in his home state. My siblings and I attended the service and again no emotion from any of us. It was so strange. The next day, I drove back to Georgia (where I was living at the time) and started to feel some emotions. I started having feelings of guilt, regret, and grief. The year up until that point was simply horrible. I was still in pain from losing other family members. I was questioning God on his timing of these events. Why wasn't I given the opportunity to have an active and present father in my life? I started to blame myself for the strained relationship I had with my father. I was overcome with grief. I couldn't sleep at night. I felt a hole in my heart. After all, I was bone of his bone, flesh of his flesh. It literally felt like something was ripped out of my soul. It was painful. To make matters worse, I felt guilty for caring. How could I love someone that never invested his love into me? All of these emotions came over me. For three weeks straight, I cried myself to sleep. I didn't want to go on. A friend of mines (that happens to be a clinician) asked if I was blaming myself for his death? I think I was blaming myself for the failure of our relationship. I have always succeeded in so many things but I couldn't succeed in solidifying a strong relationship with the person that fathered me. When he died, I felt like I had been abandoned twice. He abandoned me in life and now in death. My grief felt overwhelming. I couldn't pray or clearly hear from God. Then one day, I heard a voice say "Daughter, you cannot stay here. He is gone and isn't coming back. Live!" A few nights later, I had a dream. In the dream, my father apologized for everything he did to me. He basically told me to stop blaming myself because everything was his fault. When, I woke up, I realized I had an encounter with God the Father and my biological father. The healing process had begun. I never cried again over his death. I laid before God, day and night, until I felt set free. I pursued God in my brokenness. He showed up for me in the darkest hour of my life. No one understood the inner pain I felt, but God did and heard my cry. There are stages of grief that you will probably go through and please believe God will get you through each one. First you must be vulnerable with God. If you are mad with him about losing that person then cry out. He understands our grief. Remember he watched his son get crucified for a dying world. Next, have a good support team (preferably people that have endured grief). A good support team could provide the physical and emotional support. Sometimes you truly need a shoulder to cry on. Next, be patient with the healing process. It will take time for that broken heart to mend. Indeed you will miss that person and it okay to verbalize such. Lastly, don't turn your back on GOD. His name is Jehovah Rapha (The GOD that Heals). Remember he is close to the broken-hearted. He wants to heal every ache of grief that is in your soul. If you are going through grief right now, I pray that GOD sets you free from the pain and anguish, In Jesus Name! Amen!!! I hope this post helps you a little bit....
Tanika Honey Ward
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